The Changing Face of the Millennial Church: What it looks like when the lost are found

The Changing Face of the Millennial Church
What it looks like when the lost are found

by Dawn Irons        

I recently observed a worship service after-hours at a public school where children volunteered to stay after school for the opportunity to be able to learn about Jesus.  I was almost moved to tears as I watched the dynamic children’s leader engage the children and lead them in worship. It was a sight to behold! The fact we were in a public school was all the more powerful.  As they children raised their hands in worship and had the freedom to dance and rejoice-- their leader was doing the same. This leader was unique. She was spunky, had an infectious smile, she had neon blue hair streaks and as she raised her hands in worship her forearm revealed a tattoo.

Several days later as I was sharing with a group of women just how powerful the after-school outreach to the kids in our community has been, I sat in stunned silence as one of the women calmly said, “I don’t think she is a good role model for children.”  I felt my heart and every muscle in my body tense as the shock of what was said washed over me. Another woman came to the rescue, “Why, because she has blue hair and tattoos? Have you seen the way she connects and engages the children—holding their attention as she shares the gospel with them and leaves them asking for more? Yeah, right! Clearly not a good example!” as she shook her head in disbelief.

Oh, those character building situations! It is this kind of dilemma taking places in churches all over this country that will eventually prove what we are made of. Is the gospel message so shallow that a person’s appearance determines if they are a good role-model? My heart breaks at the hypocrisy… God forbid that we would ever again sing, “I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see,” with that kind of spiritual blindness in our hearts. Have we forgotten from what we ourselves were saved?

The Changing Face of the Church

If f we are to ever reach the 59% of 18-to-29-year-olds who were once raised and very active in the church who now says they will never return-- the church must be willing to embrace change. Without embracing change we are whole-heartedly participating with full-consent as co-conspirators in sending the next generation straight to hell. If we are so entrenched in our traditions that we refuse anything that remotely looks like change we may as well just hang a sign on the church that says, “No new members allowed” and call it a day… as Jesus weeps.

If the opposite is true and the church is willing to do whatever it takes (within Biblical parameters) to reach the lost and those who have abandoned the church in droves (59% is nothing to dismiss!) our landscape of what and how church functions may have to change.

Over the years we have witnessed cosmetic changes in church buildings that were brought about because of the vast research that went into studying what would cause people to have a better experience. Some of the results seemed somewhat shallow—things such as comfortable seating. But it is a wise church that sees the benefit of that information as not really superficial. If having cushioned chairs gives people a more comfortable worship experience and gives them a sense of having some “personal space” as opposed to be squished together in pews—then bring on the chairs and out with the pews! Tradition is really not that important compared to the value of giving people more freedom in their worship experience. If pews ever become more important that giving someone freedom to worship in a way that makes them feel comfortable, we have far bigger problems to confront with our churches!

Not only were there cosmetic changes made to keep people coming back to church and enjoying their corporate worship experience, many churches saw the benefit of having two services: traditional and contemporary. Wasn’t it Paul who said, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do?” It is a wise church that studies their community to such a degree that many missionaries do their foreign countries. It is necessary to bridge the communication gaps, language barriers, etc. The same is true for our local community.

 If congregations are polarized into two camps of traditional and contemporary, there had better be much time spent in studying the culture of both of those camps and making necessary accommodations to meet the spiritual needs of both camps. If not, the contention between the two camps of not having their needs met could very well begin the under-grumblings of something that could ultimately end in a church split. Church splits are not of God! We need to look at areas of pride (and if we are honest, arrogance) and truly look to the needs of others as more important than our own. If this truly happened (in a healthy and balanced way) the traditionals would be doing everything within their power to make sure their contemporary counterparts had their spiritual needs met just as much as the contemporaries contending in favor for their traditional brothers and sisters getting their spiritual needs met.

Greater love has no man than this—that he lay his life down for another. Do we have the strength to do that? In terms of church atmosphere or services, thankfully one group does not have to die for the other, but rather if both groups are equally concerned for the other group’s needs, a church would then begin to THRIVE. There would be unity among the believers—not enmity and strife.  There is also the beauty and unity of a blended service. Would it not be a beautiful sight to behold to see Mrs. Granny Grey-Hair with her time-period pill box hat on her head worshipping side-by-side with Road Rambling Randy, a Harley –driving, tattoo sporting, long haired gentleman with both of their hands lifted in sweet-surrender to the Lord they both love with all their hearts?

Where do We Begin?

First and foremost it begins with genuine repentance on the side of both contemporaries and traditionals. We must admit that our selfishness (and in some cases judgmental bigotry) within our heart’s have harmed our fellow believers.  We should pray and seek to view those who are different than we are through the eyes of a Savior who died for them.

We need to submit our traditions and desires to the Lord. 1 Samuel 16:7 reminds us, “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

With repentance comes forgiveness and with forgiveness comes restoration of a body of believers. A church that is healthy and whole will embrace the new face of the church.  Because ready or not—there is a generation of people out there that many Christians have NOT given up on. They have a missionary-fire in their bones for their local communities. If those home-based community missionaries go into their communities and win the lost—or find the one’s in self-exile from the church over whatever reason—and bring them back into our congregations, they need to be received with love and dignity—no matter what.  Prepare your congregations in advanced to be ready to receive former prostitutes, former drug dealers, former gang-bangers, people who have chosen to express themselves through body art and body modifications such as tattoos and body piercings. Prepare them. The harvest is coming and the harvest is great—but the workers are few. We should be preparing our congregations to be cheering and supporting the home-based community missionaries just as passionately as we support foreign missionaries.

Prepare your congregations to open their hearts to receive God’s children—no matter what they look like, or where they have come from. Teach them to look past the exterior and to the heart of a lover of Jesus; who just happens to look different than them. After all, we were all saved from something. We were all former sinners (no matter what specific sin it was) and we still daily struggle with our sin nature. We are all in the same boat. At the end of the day, we really are more alike than we will ever be different. We just have to learn to prefer one another over ourselves. If genuinely done on both sides your church will experience unity like never before.

I Love Lucy…And Lucy Loves Me

I would tend to describe myself as more of a traditional sort of believer. Some would say I am conservative to a fault. As I was bringing up my children friends called me the “all-American mother.”  I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of three children. I was protective to a fault. We sort of lived in a “bubble” that I felt would protect us against all worldly influence. Then one day I had a wakeup call! I was asked how I shared my faith with my non-believing friends. I had to rack my brain…I couldn’t think of ONE non-Christian friend that I knew or had any sort of friendship or influence with. I was ashamed. I knew the bubble had to POP!

I remember my legalistic days of trying to teach my daughter that modesty had to do length of skirts and colors that would not draw attention to herself…and I totally missed the point that modesty is a heart-issue! Life started to change in our home. It began in my heart and then flowed outward! I remember when my daughter asked me if she could dye her hair pink and purple! The moment of truth had arrived! The test was truly pass or fail. I had begun teaching my daughter that outward appearance had nothing to do with the condition of one’s heart and that we could not “judge a book by its cover.”  So yes, she was the most beautiful girl with pink and purple hair that I ever saw…and Jesus still loved her and she was still modest.

I was going through a learning curve and it didn’t happen overnight.  So fast-forward to this conversation I was confronted with recently about the children’s director who had blue hair and tattoos. It disturbed me on a deep level—maybe because it hit a bit too close to home. That attitude used to be my attitude and the shame flooded my memory again. I decided to make an appointment to meet with this children’s director Lucy Arrellano who embodies what it means to be a home-based community missionary.  She serves as the Director of Children’s Ministry at First Baptist Church of Bedford and she  also serves as the Director of Innovation and Creativity at Courageous Church in Arlington.

When I had the opportunity to speak with Lucy I asked her if she ever felt the sting or the stares of people she felt may be judging her. Her answer surprised me.  She said, “I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum. I’ve learned to be confident in who I am in the Lord.” It’s not that she hasn’t noticed looks and stares, but they don’t define or change who she is in Christ.

Lucy went on to describe the origins of her spunky and different sense of style. She shared about being in-and-out of 10 different schools in 12 years. She said having a different look enabled her to come out of her shell. She has an amazing sense of humor and claims the style and humor had become a survival skill. It was an easy way to make friends for her.  But don’t be fooled! Her style and humor are more than just survival skills and coping mechanisms to get through tough times. She is not masking anything! Lucy said, “My style is just an outward expression of how I feel inside.”  Lucy knows and lives authentic joy in Christ. If you talk to her long enough you will find her joy is contagious!

On a more difficult note, Lucy described a recent event where a close friend of hers told her that she would no longer provide Lucy with a job reference for children’s ministry because “real Christians don’t dress or look like that.” The sting is real, but it does not deter her passion to live courageously for Christ and to be comfortable in who He has created her to be. And because of her courageous passion for Christ, there are two churches in the DFW Metroplex who have sought her out intentionally to work with their children, serve on their worship teams, and bring innovative and creative ideas to make Jesus relevant to a post-Christian society.

Has the Church Come to Love Her Traditions More than Her Children?

Has the Church Come to Love Her Traditions More than Her Children?

A storm is coming. An alarm has sounded. The beauty of s storm warning system is that you have time to prepare. You know the location of the storm and scientific approximations of when it will hit your area. Do you hear the alarms? Are you prepared for what is coming and for what is already upon us? Church, we have a problem!

I recently attended a conference in Arlington, Texas that was focused on the discipleship issues of churches and how they reach out to the Mosaics (the term coined to define those in the age group of 18-29 years old.) The conference was titled You Lost Me and it referenced the research done by Barna researcher David Kinnaman that was published in a book by the same name.

There are some clear indications in the research of things the church can do to turn the tide of this mass exodus of young people from our congregations and even the complete rejection of their faith as a whole.  As Kinnaman stated, though, “It’s complicated.”

There were 7 clear reasons why the Mosaics say they are abandoning their churches and their faith. Those reasons include:

·         Church is overprotective

·         Church is repressive on issues of sex

·         Church is anti-science

·         Church seems exclusive and excludes those who are different from them

·         Church allows no room for doubt

·         Church is shallow and superficial

·         Church is rigid

If you are like me, my initial reaction was to justify why some of these issues were important, but the more I stopped and just listened, I think I finally heard what these young adults were saying for the first time.  We often have pat Sunday school answers to these concerns, but this generation of young people is demanding far more than a pat answer.  They want dialogue. Not debate—dialogue. They state that Christianity does not seem to answer these deep questions with thoughtful or challenging ways. A pat answer will drive these young adults farther from the church and their faith.

An argument could be made that the church should never compromise its standard on the basis of culture. American culture should not be shaping the church. This is true. But to deny the reality of the culture we live in and then attempt to make Christianity relevant to the Mosaics is to drive that wedge between this generation and the church even further.

This is Not Your Father’s Babylon

Kinnaman further explained the fallacy of thinking in the boomer generation. It seems the baby boomers are not too concerned about this fall out of young people because historically this has always happened. Their experience has taught them that they will return to the church and their faith when they have children. It is a temporary absence.  Unfortunately, research shows that they are terribly mistaken.

The baby boomers seem to have forgotten the landmark transformation their generation had on the face of the church. They ushered in the Jesus Movement which many decried was a “spirit of Babylon” taking over the church. Churches began to stylistically change to keep and meet the needs of these passionate new believers. Tradition sort of yielded to the newer and contemporary sounds of Keith Green and contemporary Christian music. Some rejected this new cultural trend saying it was a passing fad—but the baby boomers were building the church of a new generation and saw the importance of being relevant to the people and speaking the language of the culture. Some called it compromise; others called it good mission work. Whatever it was, it changed the landscape of the church forever. The boomers made their mark on their world and the church.

But fast-forward to the age of the Mosaics we see now leaving their faith and their churches. What has happened? We are seeing the boomers holding fast to the traditions they created and being unyielding to the reality of culture that our young adults live in. If this generation is not given the same liberty to bring their faith in God to the culture they live in and be able to tackle the issues of the day, the only epitaph of the Mosaics to the Christian church will be, “You lost me.”

As Kinnaman continued to declare, “It’s complicated.”  The “Babylon” the Mosaics live in is not the same “Babylon” the boomers lived in. A plaguing question that must be answered is why did the boomers forget the impact they had to change their world and the church? Why would we not afford the Mosaics the same opportunity for the sake of Christ to be carried to this generation?  Why is it that we think the Mosaics are no big deal and the church won’t have to change to reach them?  Kinnaman further challenged the boomers and said, “We have to be just as vigilant in taking on self-righteousness in the church as we are about unrighteousness in the world.” And he was far from finished. In fact, he was just getting started.

Kinnaman began to discuss the passage of scripture in Matthew 18:6 which states, “…but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” He further went on to explain the context of this passage being about false teachings and heresy.  Then he framed his next question with great conviction. “What if the way we are doing church, the way we are discipling (or not discipling) is just as heretical that this passage would now apply to us?”  Our church’s current approach to Christianity is driving off 59% of the Mosaic generation—that is 59% who grew up and were actively participating in bible-believing churches and now say they will never return to the church. Are we harming an entire generation of young people’s ability to grow in Christ and make it relevant to the current culture? It’s complicated.

In this complex culture the Mosaics find themselves submerged in, Kinnaman suggests that there are 2 kinds of courage that are needed:

1.       Courage of Purity: to be able to live God and their convictions in a complex culture

2.       Proximate Courage: to be close enough to culture to influence it and the courage to stand up to a self-righteous church

How Do We Reverse the 59% Exodus?

The research and interviews with the Mosaics revealed 5 specific courses of action that would keep them connected and active in their churches and faith:

1.       Meaningful Relationships:  research showed that the Mosaics who maintained healthy connections with their church had strong personal relationships they made at church but that were fostered outside the church. Mosaics are highly relational people.

2.       Cultural Discernment: Mosaics do not want to compromise their faith to fit in the culture, but they do want the church to recognize the complexities of the culture they do live in and not dismiss it as irrelevant.

3.       Reverse Mentoring & Life Modeling: The people of Israel needed Esther. And it our modern society it may be for such a time as this that we need the Mosaics to teach us how to make Christianity relevant to this culture. We lose when we don’t include and challenge young people. They expect diversity and relish it. For Mosaics there is a fine line between discipleship and brainwashing. They want to be able to coexist with people in our culture that are different than them and treat others with dignity and respect. They want others to respect their personal faith preferences and beliefs so they are willing to respects other’s right to believe or not to without thinking less of a person.

4.       Vocational Discipleship: 97% of the average congregation is never going to be called to vocational ministry. These people are natural resources of carrying the Gospel into the marketplace. Only 16% of Christians know how the Bible relates to their chosen profession. Help people find the link of their faith and their profession and celebrate how God uniquely called them to the field they are in for a purpose.

5.       Recognize Mosaics can hear the voice of God: There is arrogance in many churches that are stuck in tradition that God gives wisdom to the elders. But there are times, as in the story of Eli and Samuel that God’s voice is no longer discerned by older leadership (for whatever reason) and God is speaking loud and clear to the younger generation. But they are often met with the resistance that what they are hearing from God is pushing against established traditions.

To say the situation at hand is complicated is quite the understatement. But now, more than ever, if we are reach the Mosaic generation (of which only 4% claim to be Bible-believing Christians with a Christian worldview) the church needs to do some serious re-evaluation of what it will take to reach this generation. The question remains valid: What if the way we are currently doing church (that is driving 59% of the Mosaics to abandon their church and their faith) qualifies us to have a millstone placed on our neck and tossed into the sea? Will we bridge that gap between the boomers and the mosaics?  The future of the church and the cause of Christ depend on it. Let the discussions and transformations begin.

Have We Lost Sight of the Goal: Misplaced Priorities

As I was driving down the road the other day, I came to a red light and noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front of me. I had a quick chuckle, then moved on as the light changed.  The bumper sticker said, "A Christian without a passport is like a car without an engine."



The more I drove, even arriving at my destination... the thought would not leave me. I giggled at the sentiment because there is a bit of truth to it and it had a sting of conviction to it for me.  All day long the thought kept at the front of my thoughts and would not let me go.  Clearly my spirit was wrestling with something and it went far deeper than bumper sticker theology!



I thought about the clients that I see daily and their heart of restoration for their families. Something inside the depth of my heart challenged the momentary guilt I felt for never having taken the gospel to the "ends of the earth." Then it occurred to me-- maybe the Christians who don't have a passport have genuinely caught the divine revelation of the importance of "Jerusalem, Judea, and Samaria!"

I have recently had the great honor to work along side of some very devoted counselors and lay-ministers as we develop a community-wide Celebrate Recovery ministry in the DFW area. I have heard the heart-cry of these home-based missionaries who relate stories of God's deliverance in their lives and how they now walk in freedom from their hurts, habits and hang-ups. A friend asked me the other day why I was so intense and passionate about the ministry of Celebrate Recovery. I told her there are only two things by which we can overcome: 1. the blood of the Lamb and 2. the word of our testimony. 



I have seen people dabble with efforts at change and it had effects that lasted about as long as most New year's Resolutions! But I have seen the power of God do amazing things in people's lives in Celebrate Recovery and it has been nothing short of life-changing transformation.  It is not for the faint of heart. It is much like Jacob when he wrestled with the Angel of the Lord at Pineal. Jacob said, "I saw God face-to-face and yet my life was spared."



I see these transformed people fighting for their families in heart-wrenching prayer. I see them lay down their worries and anxieties and begin to walk in freedom, trusting that God will keep relentlessly pursuing their loved one's who they pray for. They stopped striving in vanity to change their loved one's and began laying them at the feet of Jesus through travailing prayer.

I watch the devotion of these people to the see the salvation of their loved ones and I what I see are home-land missionaries. They are in every bit of a spiritual warfare for a lost people-group than are those missionaries in the depths of Africa.



And speaking of Africa-- many years ago a missionary from South Africa came to our church and spoke.  My immediate assumption was that he was coming to call for more laborers to his country. But I was quickly taken aback at my arrogance when he began telling us how God called him out of Africa to be a missionary to the church in the United States!



There was a moment of deep calling unto deep. A quiet whisper-- turn your heart towards home. It is true that not all Christians are called to be overseas missionaries, but make no mistake-- ALL Christians are called to be missionaries! What is your mission field? Have we failed to see the value of the mission field in our own homes, in our neighborhoods, our cities, our states and our own country?



My clients are just a microcosm of the American church. These are believers in depths of the battle for the health and safety of their families. I would dare say the average church congregations are just as wounded and/or spiritually broken as the people who seek me for counsel. But at least my clients are aware of their need for help. Too often the church is unaware of it's own brokenness and too ashamed to ask for help for fear it would make them look weak.



As I think in term of the homeland mission field, one thought pierces my heart and mind, "God forbid that we would ever replicate disciples in our own brokenness and woundedness!" In fact it is the great commission itself that makes me all the more vigilant to stay home and disciple my own children, the clients God sends to me, the people in my church, the people in our communities in terms of RECOVERY and HEALING and FREEDOM. Then, and only then, are healed and made new in Christ that we could confidently disciple people with the mind of Christ-- not our brokenness. God does not need the church to replicate broken and wounded disciples.



I think the map of priority is right there in black and white--- well, read letters, actually! The mission we have all been given begins at home (Jerusalem) and then to our surrounding community (Judea) and then to those pesky suburbs that may irritate us (Samaria).... and then, only then.... to the ends of the earth. If our priorities are so misaligned that we go out and save the world and then lose the very one's God has placed in our homes and within touching distance--what have we profited? Broken people beget broken people. Hurt people will hurt people. And ultimately-- free people will free people.



I have gotten of the guilt of not having a passport. I have even come to terms with the fact that I may never set a foot in Nicaragua as was my heart's desire for so long. But God has given me an unquenchable passion and desire to help heal the broken-hearted and bind up their wounds and help them cling to Jesus with every fiber of their being--- right here in America.

Can People Really Change?

Can People Really Change?

This is the time of year that most people begin to contemplate New Year’s Resolutions. And if we are honest with ourselves, the resolutions for this year will likely look much the same as the resolution for last year.  Why do you think that is?

As a therapist, I often get asked, “Do you really believe people can fundamentally change?”  I could not think of a more hopeless and futile career choice than being a counselor if I truly believed that people cannot change!  So my answer is a resounding, “YES! People can fundamentally change!”  But the real question is, “Will they?”

In our early years as a young married couple in Austin, Texas our pastor made a profound statement that has stayed with me all these years.  Pastor Rob Koke said, “There are really only two reasons a person will change.  The first reason is that the negative consequences of not changing are so life-altering that the person will change. The second reason is that the positive consequences of the change are so compelling that the person will strive for authentic change.”  I believe there is a lot of truth in that statement.  I further believe that authentic change requires more than an act of the will or a fear of consequences.

As I think of authentic change, several scriptures come to mind:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
(2 Corinthians 4:17)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

…for in Him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain even of your own poets have said, for we are also His offspring. (Acts 17:28)

Herein was the love of God manifested in us, that God hath sent his only begotten Son into the world that we might live through him. (1 John 4:9)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

Do you see a theme running through these verses?  Jesus. Life-changing abundant living is found **in Him**, and **through Him**… immersed in Jesus. Our will power and natural abilities can only take us so far before we crash and burn from pure exhaustion. It is in our weakness that He is strong.

I am often asked the question, “What does rock bottom look like?” I rarely give clients the answer to that question.  I am convinced part of the healing journey is the discovery. It may look a little different in each person’s life—but the basics are the same. Rock bottom, in my definition, is when people come to the exhausted end of themselves and realize that it’s not enough.  If authentic change could occur by an act of sheer will power, there would not be so many resolutions repeated again on the New Year’s list of resolutions!  But alas… the list of goals are the same, just the year is different. So what will you do different this year?

How does one actually seek to live “in Him and through Him?”  My challenge to you is to go back to the basics. Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness then all these things will be added unto you…”

A relentless pursuit of God, seeking His kingdom and righteousness is where we begin to start living in Him and through Him. Clients coming to me for help are often in such despair, depression and anxiety-ridden states that they are emotionally paralyzed by fear. As we begin to unfold the story of their life I often ask them where they see God in the circumstances they are facing. And our journey begins…

So often we have not been taught how to seek God, much less apply the Biblical truths and principles to our real-life circumstances. I believe authentic change can only come through a life transformed and being continually transformed by the power of God.  Therapy can be an excellent tool to gain insight and understanding. But therapy apart from God is only a temporary Band-Aid fix. Authentic change is transformational—and it begins with the renewing of your minds (Romans 12:1-2). For so many people, the choice to make those transformational changes, only come when they hit rock bottom.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  When you recognize your life is spinning wildly out of control (or even mildly out of control), I challenge you to just stop. Find a place where you can be alone and pray.  Seeking God begins with prayer. When you put your focus on the God who promised to never leave or forsake you, your perception of your circumstance begins to change. This begins a process of submitting your will to the Lordship of Christ. This is where true authentic change begins to manifest in your life. God is not looking for perfect vessels. He is looking for surrendered and willing vessels that will yield to his role as Potter and their role as clay.

So maybe this year you might choose to pass on writing a list of resolutions and rather submit your heart to God and be willing to place yourself on His Potter’s wheel where He alone will begin to mold and transform you for His glory.  You have a choice to make: more resolutions or life-altering transformation.  One is more likely to lead to authentic change. The other, well… go ahead and make a photocopy of your list of resolutions and file it now in a folder for 2014.


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Overwhelmed or Overtaken?

“…O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer!  From the ends of the earth, I will cry to you for help, for my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings!’  Psalm 61:1-4

As I sit down to write this blog post this morning I am strangely at peace considering some unsettling news I received this past week.  I can almost hear my inner-child in panic mode screaming on the inside, “why aren’t you doing something!!??!!”  And yet, there is this strange sense of peace that envelops me. Normally at this point I would have clearly itemized my concerns and prioritized them by level of importance and had a 10 step action plan of how to handle the situation. Can you tell that one of my spiritual gifts is administration? That’s me. I need all my ducks in a row and the facts neatly organized and a plan of action to deal with any situation. But today I am making a conscious choice to sit in the uncertainty of this situation and just know that God’s grace is sufficient.

Today, I am choosing to let the Wonderful Counselor counsel the counselor. This is not a new concept for me at all. But what is new, in this situation, is that I am choosing to set aside my own gifting and instinct to problem-solve, to instead, seek God before my mind has a chance to form a battle plan. In fact, I am forcing myself to do what I ask of my clients. In my practice, I am learning a theory of counseling called Emotionally Focused Therapy. Research is proving that emotionally fulfilling relationships (whether familial or romantic) are a key component in physical and mental health.  When we use therapeutic interventions to focus on the actual emotions people are feeling—rather than only looking at their cognitive thought processes—we discover that the messy work of analyzing  the emotions can bring true restorative, healing to relationships. But it is painstakingly uncomfortable work to deal with emotions. So today I am sitting in the depth of the many emotions I am feeling, as I would ask of any of my clients.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am looking at circumstances that are out of my control and yet, I feel strangely at ease. I am processing this emotion of being overwhelmed and contemplating what it feels like. At the root it boils down to fear. What am I afraid of? And how is it that, in the midst of this fear, there is this undeniable peace? There are mixed emotions to be sure! So here I sit in this wave of uncomfortable feelings torn between the two extremes of fear and peace. I am reminded of a quote by Ambrose Redmoon which says, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than the fear.”  I am keenly aware of these emotions flooding around me. I recognize the fear and yet, there is something so deep within me that rises up and over shadows that fear. I know my God is able!  I feel like I am having a Moses kind of experience where the Egyptians are bearing down on his back and he has come face-to-face with the reality of the Red Sea.  Only God can help now.  But God always has a plan. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how…but I know God. He is Jehova-Jireh, my provider. He is Jehova-Shalom, my peace. He is the God that sees. He knows where I am and every circumstance of the situation I am facing…and strangely enough, at the end of the day—that is the source of my peace in this situation.

At first thought, I was concerned that I was getting overwhelmed. But on second look I find it may be that I am overtaken—not overwhelmed at all! It’s as if the peace that passes all understanding, the peace that guards our hearts and minds has embraced me-- the peace of God is present. I am learning that getting to a place of total surrender in our hearts is what it means to allow God to take over and do what only God can do.

We all have choices.  We can choose to be overwhelmed or overtaken. As for me, I choose to abandon my false sense of security in my own wisdom, and be over taken by the Spirit of God. I don’t know what that looks like for you. For me, I am standing with the overwhelming circumstances at my back, and the impossible “Red Sea” before me. I know God has to intervene in some way. I am almost giddy with anticipation—because I know my God! No matter what this looks like in the end result, I will have had a powerful encounter with God that will have forever changed me. If given a choice, I choose to be overtaken rather than overwhelmed.  What choice will you make in this holiday season that is riddled with many obstacles that can threaten to overwhelm you and your family?  It’s like Ambrose Redmoon said, I have discovered something far more important than my fear. I have determined that a relentless pursuit of God and trusting in Him is far more secure than trusting in my 10-step action plan to solve the current problem I have encountered.

Surrendered & overtaken….by a trustworthy God!

Dawn Irons

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Loving & Living With Someone Who Suffers from Bipolar Disorder

Loving & Living With Someone Who Suffers
from Bipolar Disorder

There is much written in medical journals about bipolar disorder. We know the symptoms and diagnostic criteria. There are literally volumes of books written on bipolar disorder, but I have rarely come across material to help people of those who love and live with family members who suffer from bipolar disorder.

Do you recall the movie TWISTER from the 90’s? The movie depicted storm-chasers in their quest of seeing and studying an F-5 tornado. The F-5 tornado in the movie was nick-named “The Defender of God”. The destruction was deadly. The tornado brought devastation and destruction that had no equal comparison. There are few survivors of a tornado of this magnitude.  And now you may be wondering what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder?  I want you to imagine what you would do in the instant you get a warning that a tornado was on the ground and within a half-mile of your home.  Close your eyes and sit with image for a moment. What do you do?

Now, imagine one step further. What if you had no notice at all? What if, while you were at home, a tornado dropped out of nowhere and you had no advance warning-- what would you do then?  No warning, no preparation, just basic survival instinct—what would you do?  This is how many loved ones of a person suffering with bipolar describe their daily lives at home.

One mother actually used the image of the tornado.  She said, “I live 24/7 with a tornado on the ground in my home. I never know what I am going to find when I come home.” She described the sheer terror and torment of loving someone with all her heart whom she also lived in fear of—for her own safety and the safety of the bipolar adolescent. 

Another family describes having to arrive home an hour before the rest of the children got home from school to make sure their child with bipolar disorder had not commit suicide and been left for the siblings to find.  Suicidal attempts and self -harming behaviors are common problems for those suffering from bipolar disorder--and were a constant battle with this family. The mom also described how in an instant the suicidal thoughts could turn to violent behaviors towards other family members. Ultimately this family had to install an internal alarm system in their home to sound a siren when the child’s bedroom door or window was opened so the family would be alerted to the child’s movements because no one ever knew if she would be suicidal or inflict harm to someone else in the family.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recently reported that research has improved the ability to diagnose bipolar disorder in children and teens. Prior to this recent research, children and teens with bipolar disorder were diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder --and the official bipolar diagnosis was reserved for those over the age of 21.

Adults suffering with bipolar often have similarly frightening displays of symptoms. An eleven- year-old boy described how court-ordered visitations with his mother, who suffers from bipolar, left him feeling like he was having to parent his parent and monitor her safety with her frequent suicidal threats. He learned when her episodes were bad to go across the street to the convenience store and have the clerk call the police.  They would transport him to his father’s home and the police would be the adult-help to check on the safety of his mother.  This was a survival skill for the boy, but it provided a written report for the court to show the depth of damage being done to the child with unsupervised visitation with a mother who was not medication-compliant with her illness.

Another common display of bipolar symptoms that affect the family is out-of-control and compulsive spending during the manic phase of the illness. Many families have lost their homes, filed bankruptcy and even lost their marriages do to the inability of knowing how to live with a constant tornado on the ground that is ravaging destruction in their homes on a daily basis.

So what is a family to do?

·         Develop a family safety plan during a time when the loved one’s bipolar symptoms are manageable and they are not acting out

·         Educate the family by attending a support group for family members of bipolar loved ones

·         Get the bipolar loved one to sign consent forms (if they are 18 or older) for their medical professionals to be able to discuss their medical condition with the family members.  Often times when a bipolar loved one goes to a medical appointment they often report that “things are fine” because they have acclimated that the behaviors have become their normal. But the perspective of a family member of what home-life is like from a different point of view may be beneficial to both doctor and family.

·         Set clear and firm boundaries of what will be acceptable and what is not—and be consistent with the consequences of broken boundaries

·         Have a preventative plan of action in place of how to encounter bipolar anger. It will surface. You want to know, and have practiced, how to handle such situations so as not to escalate the problem by responding from your own initial shock and anger.

·         Seek family counseling. It is helpful to have someone from outside the family offer perspective and insights that will help the family maintain effective communication, problem-solving skills, and to develop safety plans and family contracts. It also is helpful for spouses, siblings, etc. to have their own point of view and feelings heard and understood by someone who can validate their experience and help give them survival tools to navigate family life with a bipolar loved one.

·         LOVE your bipolar family member with your whole heart. They did not ask for-- or want to struggle with this illness.  Keep in mind that this is an ILLNESS—it is not just bad behaviors and bad choices. They are being held captive and tortured by their own mind.  It’s just not as simple to say “it’s all in their head”. It is a medical condition that can be successfully treated with consistent medication-compliance and therapy.

One fact cannot be overlooked: Every family that has a bipolar loved one is hurting—including the one suffering from bipolar disorder. The bipolar patient is living in their own place of pain the family will probably not fully understand. Likewise, the bipolar loved one will likely not fully appreciate what their family members have experienced as a result of the illness that plagued the one they so deeply love and want to understand.

 I will end with this quote by Kay Redfield Jamison from her book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness:

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

Dawn Irons is a Licensed Professional Counselor Practicing at Hope Harbor Counseling. Visit her website www.HopeHarborDFW.com

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Let's Get Real...

Real Problems, Real Solutions, and the reality of Jesus Christ…

It is not uncommon to see a new client walk into my office for the first time with a look of fear and uncertainty on their face.  They sit down and get settled on the sofa and begin to look to me for answers to circumstances that have rocked their world. It is in that moment of their deep desperation and hurt I remind myself that the only way I can be of any genuine help to them is if I bring the reality of Jesus Christ into my counseling room. 

Many people have asked me how I can reconcile my Christian faith and the science of Psychology. They seem to believe the two are wholly incompatible. I don’t try to change their minds. At the end of the day, I have to know that what I believe and how I practice my counseling is pleasing before the Lord. With my deeply-held convictions and scriptural guidance I find that faith and science together prove that God is concerned about the body, soul and spirit of humanity.

I will be the first to say that I think Sigmund Freud was out in left field on many of his ideas. But there were other areas where he was spot on.  Where his theory was good, it was very good. Where his theory was bad, it was very bad. I have never felt compelled to embrace any particular counseling theory complete hook, line and sinker.  Rather, I trust the word of God to lead and discern the various counseling theories and discover what is best for me and my clients. 

People are so diverse and so are their issues. There is not one counseling theory that will work for every single issue I will see in my therapy office. But I find strength and confidence that the Word of God is sufficient for every need that I will encounter with my clients.  So you may ask, “So are you a counselor or a Bible teacher?” I would emphatically say BOTH! With that said, I will say that my preference of counseling theory is based in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) which was founded by Sue Johnson (who is not a believer to my knowledge). But the theory she founded is so riddled with the basic concepts and truths of human attachment needs which is the foundations of what we see unfold in the book of Genesis.

God created humans with an innate need for relationship with Him. He desired fellowship with us.  Sin (our hurts, habits and hang-ups) enter the reality of our world and we find ourselves surrounded by depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, panic attacks, etc… and we experience separation from our primary attachment figure—God himself.  So we can apply that same principle to other significant attachment relationships in our lives: our spouses, children, siblings, parents and we can begin to see where resolving attachment wounds can bring about reconciliation and restoration.

Another theory which I draw heavily from is called the Family Systems Theory.  In this theory, you will discover the basic concept “that the whole is more than the sum of its parts.” The family unit itself is more important than the individuals that make up the family.  God designed us to be in families. When families become dysfunctional it hurts everyone involved. People learn survival skills in dysfunctional families and everyone plays their part. The negative cycle of dysfunction almost becomes predictable. As a therapist, I see my role in family therapy as one who helps the family acclimate to more healthy ways of communicating and resolving conflicts. When real communication occurs and a safe environment is given for each member to truly express what their individual experience has been in the family, their perception is validated and they feel understood. This process helps other family members see their loved one in a new light. It develops the ability to practice empathy and begin to work more fluidly and gives a new opportunity to rebuild healthy family attachments and relationships.

When I deal with issues of addiction there is understandably some use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Scripture validates the basics of this theory very well.  Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of flow the issues of life.” In CBT, the premise is that what you think, you will become—the self fulfilling prophecy concept.  It deals with confronting irrational thinking.  Addiction typically begins with a thought. The thought becomes action. The action becomes a craving. The craving becomes a habit. The habit becomes a full blown addiction.  Addiction is a double-edged sword in that you have to deal with the addiction side of the problem, but you also have to explore the underlying needs that was unmet which caused the person to self-medicate with what has now become an issues.  Discovering those unmet needs or possible attachment wounds is where EFT is interjected into a combo-theory approach.

I find that an eclectic knowledge of evidence-based counseling theory that lines us with the principles of sound doctrine we see outlined in scripture is the best approach for Christian counseling. True soul care includes caring for the body, soul and spirit of our clients with the mind of Christ. The people who come to me looking for help are facing real problems that need real solutions. The best solutions I can offer them are based in the reality of Jesus Christ who loves them with an ever-lasting love and died for them even while they were still sinners.  God never wastes a hurt. I am a sinner saved by grace. God has used the trials of my life and turned my mess into His message of grace and hope for those who feel hopelessly lost and in need of someone in this life to walk along side of them and teach them to apply the truth of God’s word into their overwhelming circumstances.

Enjoying the journey…

Dawn Irons, M.A., LPC
www.HopeHarborDFW.com

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