Can People Really Change?

Can People Really Change?

This is the time of year that most people begin to contemplate New Year’s Resolutions. And if we are honest with ourselves, the resolutions for this year will likely look much the same as the resolution for last year.  Why do you think that is?

As a therapist, I often get asked, “Do you really believe people can fundamentally change?”  I could not think of a more hopeless and futile career choice than being a counselor if I truly believed that people cannot change!  So my answer is a resounding, “YES! People can fundamentally change!”  But the real question is, “Will they?”

In our early years as a young married couple in Austin, Texas our pastor made a profound statement that has stayed with me all these years.  Pastor Rob Koke said, “There are really only two reasons a person will change.  The first reason is that the negative consequences of not changing are so life-altering that the person will change. The second reason is that the positive consequences of the change are so compelling that the person will strive for authentic change.”  I believe there is a lot of truth in that statement.  I further believe that authentic change requires more than an act of the will or a fear of consequences.

As I think of authentic change, several scriptures come to mind:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
(2 Corinthians 4:17)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

…for in Him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain even of your own poets have said, for we are also His offspring. (Acts 17:28)

Herein was the love of God manifested in us, that God hath sent his only begotten Son into the world that we might live through him. (1 John 4:9)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

Do you see a theme running through these verses?  Jesus. Life-changing abundant living is found **in Him**, and **through Him**… immersed in Jesus. Our will power and natural abilities can only take us so far before we crash and burn from pure exhaustion. It is in our weakness that He is strong.

I am often asked the question, “What does rock bottom look like?” I rarely give clients the answer to that question.  I am convinced part of the healing journey is the discovery. It may look a little different in each person’s life—but the basics are the same. Rock bottom, in my definition, is when people come to the exhausted end of themselves and realize that it’s not enough.  If authentic change could occur by an act of sheer will power, there would not be so many resolutions repeated again on the New Year’s list of resolutions!  But alas… the list of goals are the same, just the year is different. So what will you do different this year?

How does one actually seek to live “in Him and through Him?”  My challenge to you is to go back to the basics. Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness then all these things will be added unto you…”

A relentless pursuit of God, seeking His kingdom and righteousness is where we begin to start living in Him and through Him. Clients coming to me for help are often in such despair, depression and anxiety-ridden states that they are emotionally paralyzed by fear. As we begin to unfold the story of their life I often ask them where they see God in the circumstances they are facing. And our journey begins…

So often we have not been taught how to seek God, much less apply the Biblical truths and principles to our real-life circumstances. I believe authentic change can only come through a life transformed and being continually transformed by the power of God.  Therapy can be an excellent tool to gain insight and understanding. But therapy apart from God is only a temporary Band-Aid fix. Authentic change is transformational—and it begins with the renewing of your minds (Romans 12:1-2). For so many people, the choice to make those transformational changes, only come when they hit rock bottom.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  When you recognize your life is spinning wildly out of control (or even mildly out of control), I challenge you to just stop. Find a place where you can be alone and pray.  Seeking God begins with prayer. When you put your focus on the God who promised to never leave or forsake you, your perception of your circumstance begins to change. This begins a process of submitting your will to the Lordship of Christ. This is where true authentic change begins to manifest in your life. God is not looking for perfect vessels. He is looking for surrendered and willing vessels that will yield to his role as Potter and their role as clay.

So maybe this year you might choose to pass on writing a list of resolutions and rather submit your heart to God and be willing to place yourself on His Potter’s wheel where He alone will begin to mold and transform you for His glory.  You have a choice to make: more resolutions or life-altering transformation.  One is more likely to lead to authentic change. The other, well… go ahead and make a photocopy of your list of resolutions and file it now in a folder for 2014.


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Overwhelmed or Overtaken?

“…O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer!  From the ends of the earth, I will cry to you for help, for my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings!’  Psalm 61:1-4

As I sit down to write this blog post this morning I am strangely at peace considering some unsettling news I received this past week.  I can almost hear my inner-child in panic mode screaming on the inside, “why aren’t you doing something!!??!!”  And yet, there is this strange sense of peace that envelops me. Normally at this point I would have clearly itemized my concerns and prioritized them by level of importance and had a 10 step action plan of how to handle the situation. Can you tell that one of my spiritual gifts is administration? That’s me. I need all my ducks in a row and the facts neatly organized and a plan of action to deal with any situation. But today I am making a conscious choice to sit in the uncertainty of this situation and just know that God’s grace is sufficient.

Today, I am choosing to let the Wonderful Counselor counsel the counselor. This is not a new concept for me at all. But what is new, in this situation, is that I am choosing to set aside my own gifting and instinct to problem-solve, to instead, seek God before my mind has a chance to form a battle plan. In fact, I am forcing myself to do what I ask of my clients. In my practice, I am learning a theory of counseling called Emotionally Focused Therapy. Research is proving that emotionally fulfilling relationships (whether familial or romantic) are a key component in physical and mental health.  When we use therapeutic interventions to focus on the actual emotions people are feeling—rather than only looking at their cognitive thought processes—we discover that the messy work of analyzing  the emotions can bring true restorative, healing to relationships. But it is painstakingly uncomfortable work to deal with emotions. So today I am sitting in the depth of the many emotions I am feeling, as I would ask of any of my clients.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am looking at circumstances that are out of my control and yet, I feel strangely at ease. I am processing this emotion of being overwhelmed and contemplating what it feels like. At the root it boils down to fear. What am I afraid of? And how is it that, in the midst of this fear, there is this undeniable peace? There are mixed emotions to be sure! So here I sit in this wave of uncomfortable feelings torn between the two extremes of fear and peace. I am reminded of a quote by Ambrose Redmoon which says, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than the fear.”  I am keenly aware of these emotions flooding around me. I recognize the fear and yet, there is something so deep within me that rises up and over shadows that fear. I know my God is able!  I feel like I am having a Moses kind of experience where the Egyptians are bearing down on his back and he has come face-to-face with the reality of the Red Sea.  Only God can help now.  But God always has a plan. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how…but I know God. He is Jehova-Jireh, my provider. He is Jehova-Shalom, my peace. He is the God that sees. He knows where I am and every circumstance of the situation I am facing…and strangely enough, at the end of the day—that is the source of my peace in this situation.

At first thought, I was concerned that I was getting overwhelmed. But on second look I find it may be that I am overtaken—not overwhelmed at all! It’s as if the peace that passes all understanding, the peace that guards our hearts and minds has embraced me-- the peace of God is present. I am learning that getting to a place of total surrender in our hearts is what it means to allow God to take over and do what only God can do.

We all have choices.  We can choose to be overwhelmed or overtaken. As for me, I choose to abandon my false sense of security in my own wisdom, and be over taken by the Spirit of God. I don’t know what that looks like for you. For me, I am standing with the overwhelming circumstances at my back, and the impossible “Red Sea” before me. I know God has to intervene in some way. I am almost giddy with anticipation—because I know my God! No matter what this looks like in the end result, I will have had a powerful encounter with God that will have forever changed me. If given a choice, I choose to be overtaken rather than overwhelmed.  What choice will you make in this holiday season that is riddled with many obstacles that can threaten to overwhelm you and your family?  It’s like Ambrose Redmoon said, I have discovered something far more important than my fear. I have determined that a relentless pursuit of God and trusting in Him is far more secure than trusting in my 10-step action plan to solve the current problem I have encountered.

Surrendered & overtaken….by a trustworthy God!

Dawn Irons

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Loving & Living With Someone Who Suffers from Bipolar Disorder

Loving & Living With Someone Who Suffers
from Bipolar Disorder

There is much written in medical journals about bipolar disorder. We know the symptoms and diagnostic criteria. There are literally volumes of books written on bipolar disorder, but I have rarely come across material to help people of those who love and live with family members who suffer from bipolar disorder.

Do you recall the movie TWISTER from the 90’s? The movie depicted storm-chasers in their quest of seeing and studying an F-5 tornado. The F-5 tornado in the movie was nick-named “The Defender of God”. The destruction was deadly. The tornado brought devastation and destruction that had no equal comparison. There are few survivors of a tornado of this magnitude.  And now you may be wondering what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder?  I want you to imagine what you would do in the instant you get a warning that a tornado was on the ground and within a half-mile of your home.  Close your eyes and sit with image for a moment. What do you do?

Now, imagine one step further. What if you had no notice at all? What if, while you were at home, a tornado dropped out of nowhere and you had no advance warning-- what would you do then?  No warning, no preparation, just basic survival instinct—what would you do?  This is how many loved ones of a person suffering with bipolar describe their daily lives at home.

One mother actually used the image of the tornado.  She said, “I live 24/7 with a tornado on the ground in my home. I never know what I am going to find when I come home.” She described the sheer terror and torment of loving someone with all her heart whom she also lived in fear of—for her own safety and the safety of the bipolar adolescent. 

Another family describes having to arrive home an hour before the rest of the children got home from school to make sure their child with bipolar disorder had not commit suicide and been left for the siblings to find.  Suicidal attempts and self -harming behaviors are common problems for those suffering from bipolar disorder--and were a constant battle with this family. The mom also described how in an instant the suicidal thoughts could turn to violent behaviors towards other family members. Ultimately this family had to install an internal alarm system in their home to sound a siren when the child’s bedroom door or window was opened so the family would be alerted to the child’s movements because no one ever knew if she would be suicidal or inflict harm to someone else in the family.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recently reported that research has improved the ability to diagnose bipolar disorder in children and teens. Prior to this recent research, children and teens with bipolar disorder were diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder --and the official bipolar diagnosis was reserved for those over the age of 21.

Adults suffering with bipolar often have similarly frightening displays of symptoms. An eleven- year-old boy described how court-ordered visitations with his mother, who suffers from bipolar, left him feeling like he was having to parent his parent and monitor her safety with her frequent suicidal threats. He learned when her episodes were bad to go across the street to the convenience store and have the clerk call the police.  They would transport him to his father’s home and the police would be the adult-help to check on the safety of his mother.  This was a survival skill for the boy, but it provided a written report for the court to show the depth of damage being done to the child with unsupervised visitation with a mother who was not medication-compliant with her illness.

Another common display of bipolar symptoms that affect the family is out-of-control and compulsive spending during the manic phase of the illness. Many families have lost their homes, filed bankruptcy and even lost their marriages do to the inability of knowing how to live with a constant tornado on the ground that is ravaging destruction in their homes on a daily basis.

So what is a family to do?

·         Develop a family safety plan during a time when the loved one’s bipolar symptoms are manageable and they are not acting out

·         Educate the family by attending a support group for family members of bipolar loved ones

·         Get the bipolar loved one to sign consent forms (if they are 18 or older) for their medical professionals to be able to discuss their medical condition with the family members.  Often times when a bipolar loved one goes to a medical appointment they often report that “things are fine” because they have acclimated that the behaviors have become their normal. But the perspective of a family member of what home-life is like from a different point of view may be beneficial to both doctor and family.

·         Set clear and firm boundaries of what will be acceptable and what is not—and be consistent with the consequences of broken boundaries

·         Have a preventative plan of action in place of how to encounter bipolar anger. It will surface. You want to know, and have practiced, how to handle such situations so as not to escalate the problem by responding from your own initial shock and anger.

·         Seek family counseling. It is helpful to have someone from outside the family offer perspective and insights that will help the family maintain effective communication, problem-solving skills, and to develop safety plans and family contracts. It also is helpful for spouses, siblings, etc. to have their own point of view and feelings heard and understood by someone who can validate their experience and help give them survival tools to navigate family life with a bipolar loved one.

·         LOVE your bipolar family member with your whole heart. They did not ask for-- or want to struggle with this illness.  Keep in mind that this is an ILLNESS—it is not just bad behaviors and bad choices. They are being held captive and tortured by their own mind.  It’s just not as simple to say “it’s all in their head”. It is a medical condition that can be successfully treated with consistent medication-compliance and therapy.

One fact cannot be overlooked: Every family that has a bipolar loved one is hurting—including the one suffering from bipolar disorder. The bipolar patient is living in their own place of pain the family will probably not fully understand. Likewise, the bipolar loved one will likely not fully appreciate what their family members have experienced as a result of the illness that plagued the one they so deeply love and want to understand.

 I will end with this quote by Kay Redfield Jamison from her book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness:

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

Dawn Irons is a Licensed Professional Counselor Practicing at Hope Harbor Counseling. Visit her website www.HopeHarborDFW.com

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