Loving & Living With Someone Who Suffers from Bipolar Disorder

Loving & Living With Someone Who Suffers
from Bipolar Disorder

There is much written in medical journals about bipolar disorder. We know the symptoms and diagnostic criteria. There are literally volumes of books written on bipolar disorder, but I have rarely come across material to help people of those who love and live with family members who suffer from bipolar disorder.

Do you recall the movie TWISTER from the 90’s? The movie depicted storm-chasers in their quest of seeing and studying an F-5 tornado. The F-5 tornado in the movie was nick-named “The Defender of God”. The destruction was deadly. The tornado brought devastation and destruction that had no equal comparison. There are few survivors of a tornado of this magnitude.  And now you may be wondering what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder?  I want you to imagine what you would do in the instant you get a warning that a tornado was on the ground and within a half-mile of your home.  Close your eyes and sit with image for a moment. What do you do?

Now, imagine one step further. What if you had no notice at all? What if, while you were at home, a tornado dropped out of nowhere and you had no advance warning-- what would you do then?  No warning, no preparation, just basic survival instinct—what would you do?  This is how many loved ones of a person suffering with bipolar describe their daily lives at home.

One mother actually used the image of the tornado.  She said, “I live 24/7 with a tornado on the ground in my home. I never know what I am going to find when I come home.” She described the sheer terror and torment of loving someone with all her heart whom she also lived in fear of—for her own safety and the safety of the bipolar adolescent. 

Another family describes having to arrive home an hour before the rest of the children got home from school to make sure their child with bipolar disorder had not commit suicide and been left for the siblings to find.  Suicidal attempts and self -harming behaviors are common problems for those suffering from bipolar disorder--and were a constant battle with this family. The mom also described how in an instant the suicidal thoughts could turn to violent behaviors towards other family members. Ultimately this family had to install an internal alarm system in their home to sound a siren when the child’s bedroom door or window was opened so the family would be alerted to the child’s movements because no one ever knew if she would be suicidal or inflict harm to someone else in the family.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recently reported that research has improved the ability to diagnose bipolar disorder in children and teens. Prior to this recent research, children and teens with bipolar disorder were diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder --and the official bipolar diagnosis was reserved for those over the age of 21.

Adults suffering with bipolar often have similarly frightening displays of symptoms. An eleven- year-old boy described how court-ordered visitations with his mother, who suffers from bipolar, left him feeling like he was having to parent his parent and monitor her safety with her frequent suicidal threats. He learned when her episodes were bad to go across the street to the convenience store and have the clerk call the police.  They would transport him to his father’s home and the police would be the adult-help to check on the safety of his mother.  This was a survival skill for the boy, but it provided a written report for the court to show the depth of damage being done to the child with unsupervised visitation with a mother who was not medication-compliant with her illness.

Another common display of bipolar symptoms that affect the family is out-of-control and compulsive spending during the manic phase of the illness. Many families have lost their homes, filed bankruptcy and even lost their marriages do to the inability of knowing how to live with a constant tornado on the ground that is ravaging destruction in their homes on a daily basis.

So what is a family to do?

·         Develop a family safety plan during a time when the loved one’s bipolar symptoms are manageable and they are not acting out

·         Educate the family by attending a support group for family members of bipolar loved ones

·         Get the bipolar loved one to sign consent forms (if they are 18 or older) for their medical professionals to be able to discuss their medical condition with the family members.  Often times when a bipolar loved one goes to a medical appointment they often report that “things are fine” because they have acclimated that the behaviors have become their normal. But the perspective of a family member of what home-life is like from a different point of view may be beneficial to both doctor and family.

·         Set clear and firm boundaries of what will be acceptable and what is not—and be consistent with the consequences of broken boundaries

·         Have a preventative plan of action in place of how to encounter bipolar anger. It will surface. You want to know, and have practiced, how to handle such situations so as not to escalate the problem by responding from your own initial shock and anger.

·         Seek family counseling. It is helpful to have someone from outside the family offer perspective and insights that will help the family maintain effective communication, problem-solving skills, and to develop safety plans and family contracts. It also is helpful for spouses, siblings, etc. to have their own point of view and feelings heard and understood by someone who can validate their experience and help give them survival tools to navigate family life with a bipolar loved one.

·         LOVE your bipolar family member with your whole heart. They did not ask for-- or want to struggle with this illness.  Keep in mind that this is an ILLNESS—it is not just bad behaviors and bad choices. They are being held captive and tortured by their own mind.  It’s just not as simple to say “it’s all in their head”. It is a medical condition that can be successfully treated with consistent medication-compliance and therapy.

One fact cannot be overlooked: Every family that has a bipolar loved one is hurting—including the one suffering from bipolar disorder. The bipolar patient is living in their own place of pain the family will probably not fully understand. Likewise, the bipolar loved one will likely not fully appreciate what their family members have experienced as a result of the illness that plagued the one they so deeply love and want to understand.

 I will end with this quote by Kay Redfield Jamison from her book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness:

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

Dawn Irons is a Licensed Professional Counselor Practicing at Hope Harbor Counseling. Visit her website www.HopeHarborDFW.com

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